


Two of Us

by RioRiley



Category: A Star is Born (2018), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Famous Harry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Louis, Inspired by Music, M/M, Music, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 11:35:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18051770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RioRiley/pseuds/RioRiley
Summary: Harry is on top of the world. He's one of the biggest names in music, he has thousands of fans. But he isn't happy. Louis, is at rock bottom after losing his mom. Together they meet in the middle.





	Two of Us

There is a crowd of over a thousand roaring women in front of him as he sings, screaming along to his lyrics, each word they know by heart, screaming so loud it makes his ears ring. But it's electrifying and it's the best feeling he has ever felt. The feeling of having all these people who idolize him, is for Harry, the purest love he has ever felt. The people who support him in this career, who helped him to achieve his dreams, for him, those are the people who love him the absolute most in this world. They are the people who want him to be happy so he will make good music, but at the same time he writes well when he's sad too. So really they don't care about his state of being, as long as he makes the music they love. It's the music they love, not Harry.

But the thing is Harry doesn't know the difference. He can't see between the people who are only around him hoping at least a few of his dollars will magically end up in their own personal bank accounts, and the people who don't really care how much money he has because they are too busy caring about him. He can't see that there are people who genuinely give a shit about him. That there are people, albeit few, who care about him as a person rather than just as a musician. 

But on stage, none of that matters. The people in front of him, singing his songs as loud as they can and as off key as humanly possible, are there simply so they can see them. Thousands of people paying at least a hundred dollars to see him do the thing he loves. To sing along to the songs that have gotten them through the hard times and been there for the best times of their lives. He is there to entertain them. He's there so they can cross it off their bucket list: See Harry Styles live in concert. Check.

Harry doesn't know whether or not he cares anymore. But regardless, he's having what should be the time of his life. He's making plenty of money doing it too. 

The show comes to a close as he sings to Kiwi. It was a successful show, as far as the numbers go. Sold out. Fans were happy. He did all the things they expect of him in a show. This is a family Show! Or isssssss it? Show up in a suit Freddie Mercury himself would have loved. Spit water into the air like a whale. Check. Check. Check.

He showers, and throws on a black pair of pants that very well could be found in any regular grandfathers wardrobe, aling with a cream button up shirt, and a brown cardigan, with leather loafers. He dresses as though he is a grandfather with five grandchildren he sees maybe twice a year, rather than a twenty something year old with five platinum records that only goes home maybe twice a year. He takes a long sip of beer, and walks out the back door of the venue. He walks along the cold sidewalk, and for once he isn't surrounded by people. He's all by himself. 

And it's lonely.

The city is full of people. He knows he's somewhere where there must be a bar on every corner. It's that perfect time of night, when most people are too drunk at a bar to recognize him. And even if they do know him, they are recognizing him from the posters that cover their daughters walls, or the photos taking up space on their girlfriends phone. He doesn't get bothered in bars. He goes into the nearest one. 

The bar is filled with men. But it's not his average bar. Hes stumbled into a gay bar. There are men everywhere, and even on the stage, but those men have extensive makeup and prosthetics on to look like women, as they sing along to classic female hits like, Aretha Franklin's: A Natural Woman, and Cyndi Lauper's: Girls just wanna have fun. And they are, by all means having fun. That's the important thing. 

Harry's enjoying himself too. He's never really been one to make an appearance at gay bars. He hates labelling his sexuality and worries that by arriving at a bar designated for a specific sexuality he is doing just that. But, as he looks around, these men are just like him. Suddenly it doesn't matter that he's surrounded by gay men, because they are just like him. They don't want to be labelled. They don't want to be a statistic. By the way they look at him, he knows they all know who he is, but they are all decent enough to just leave him alone. 

But he's spoken too soon.

A man walks up to him, wearing black skinny jeans that are far too tight, and a black t shirt that is also way too tight. He introduces himself as the owner of the bar, and says his name is Riley. 

“You're in for a real treat. We've got the best singer we've ever had performing tonight. He's something special. Used to be a server here. But tonight the only thing he's serving up are the most beautiful vocals to ever hit this bar.” Riley says.

“Is he dressed up?” Harry asks, motioning towards the drag queens on the stage.

“Oh. No. He's just him.” Riley smiles.

Minutes later, a man walks onto the stage, guitar strapped to his chest. He's wearing track pants. The kind with the two white stripes on the sides. His outfit is in complete contrast to everyone else in the room, and normally Harry would consider the man to be severely underdressed. But it looks good on him. He makes Adidas track pants look equally as beautiful as the intricate Gucci brand pants Harry has made custom for himself. The man sits on a wooden barstool on the stage, and smiles, before he starts to strum at his guitar. Harry knows within moments that the man is british. Which is odd, to hear in the middle of the United States.

“What's his name?” Harry asks Riley, raising an eyebrow. 

“Louis.” Riley says. It's not Lewis. It's pronounced Loo-ee.

He's singing The Plain White T's: Hey there Delilah. And in that moment it doesn't matter how many times Harry has heard that song on the radio. Or even heard it live in concert from the T's themselves. Because, when Louis sings it, it's like Harry has never heard the song before. He makes the song sound absolutely magical. 

“Will you take me to meet him?” Harry asks.

As soon as Louis has finished, Riley is dragging Harry backstage, through the dressing room filled with Queens, to the last makeup vanity on the left, where Louis is sat, drinking a red bull energy drink. They walk past a particular queen, with Madonna style cone boobs on, who immediately recognises Harry. 

“Oh my God! Babe! Will you sign them for me?” The Queen asks.

“Sign what?” Harry asks.

“My tits honey.” The queen says with a smile, handing Harry a sharpie.

“Lulu, is your plan to just parade around with his name on your titties?” Riley asks, with an eye roll.

“It's all good. You're a great performer.” Harry says. “Which would you like me to sign?” He asks.

“Oh just sign across both of them honey.” Lulu says.

Harry signs his signature big and bold across Lulus prosthetic breasts.

Riley leads Harry over to Louis. Louis is startled by Harry, and drops the comb that was in his hand. 

“Oops.” Louis says with a soft laugh.

Harry reaches his hand out to Louis, and shakes it. “Hi, I'm Harry.” He says politely.

“Oh doll, we all know who you are!” A queen says from the opposite side of the dressing room. 

“ I'm Louis.” Louis says with a shy smile. 

“You're beautiful. Can I go buy you a beer?” Harry asks. 

“I'd love that.” Louis says with a shy smile.

Louis leads Harry out of the bar and back to the cool night air. Louis leads the two of them to his car. 

“Do you know where we can get a good beer?” Harry asks.

“I know a good place.” Louis smiles.

“You're british, yeah? Where ya from?” Harry asks.

“Doncaster, it's over by-” Louis says before Harry interrupts him. 

“I know exactly where that is. I'm from Holmes Chapel. What's brought you to Los Angeles?” Harry asks as Louis pulls up to a well lit nightclub.

“Just living the dream.” Louis says sassily.

“You're incredibly talented you know.” Harry insists.

“Thanks.”Louis says quietly.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Harry asks. 

“Uh, sure...” Louis says quietly.

“Do you ever sing your own songs?” Harry asks.

“I don't sing my own songs.” Louis says quickly.

“Dang it.” Harry says, looking at Louis as if he is the most important person in the universe.

“I just don't feel comfortable.” Louis says embarrassed.

“Why wouldn't you feel comfortable?” Harry pushes.

“Because when I write my own songs, i'm pulling them from the depths of my soul. They mean everything to me and im worried they won't mean a single thing to more than three total people on this earth. “ Louis confides.

“But if you change the lives of those three people, you've done the most beautiful thing music can do; save lives.” Harry says.

“Also, every producer I've ever talked to says i'm too short for showbiz. Like oh hey kid great voice, if only you were a few inches taller.” Louis says.

“That's fucking bullshit.” Harry says.

“No it's not! You go into these rooms, and there's all these women staring at you and they all think you're so bloody attractive, but when they get around me, they all start to squat, to make themselves seem smaller! I give them all complexes!” Louis laughs.

“Well for the record, I think you're perfectly sized.” Harry says. Louis blushes. “And you're incredibly talented. Everyone in this bar is talented at something, but having something to say, and sing, that's worth listening to, that's special. And you've got it. I can tell.” Harry says full of confidence. “But you'll never know if you don't try. Do you know what i'm saying?” Harry asks.

“I know what you're saying. I don't like it, but i know what you're saying.” Louis says.

“I think you like it a little bit.” Harry says with a cheeky smirk.

He eyes Louis, looking at and taking in the little things that make him absolutely stunning. The color of his eyes, which perfectly replicate the color of waves crashing in the ocean right before a storm. The way his eyes crinkle at the ends when he is talking about something he really loves. 

“I don't know what the hell i'm doing here with you.” Louis says quietly.

“What do you mean?” Harry asks

“I'm sitting in my car with Harry Styles..” Louis says, and Harry laughs.

“Harry Styles” Harry says, mocking Louis’ accent. And shaking his shoulders as he sticks out his pinky in an attempt to look proper queens english posh. “See that's the thing about being famous is everyone suddenly insists on calling you by your full name.” 

“What do you want me to call you?” Louis asks

“Harry is just fine.” Harry laughs.

One of Harry's songs, From the Dining Room Table, starts playing over the speaker in Louis’ car. 

“That's a great coincidence.” Harry laughs. Louis blushes and moved to skip the song on his phone. “No don't. I like that that's the one on your playlist. That ones my favorite.” Harry says as he starts to sing along with himself.

“Woke up alone in this hotel room  
Played with myself, where were you?  
Fell back to sleep, I got drunk by noon  
I've never felt less cool”

A young man, about Harry's age, approaches Louis’ car, and knocks on the window. Louis rolls it down.

“Is that Harry Styles?” The kid asks. Harry nods and gives him an annoyed wave.

“Can i get a picture with you? My ex cheated on me with a guy who she always said looks just like you and i just have to get a picture because this guy... looks absolutely nothing like you. And i mean clearly you're into dick so it's not like she had any chance in the first place.” the kid says. Harry nods and gets out of the car.

“Yeah that's fine.” Harry says.

“Do you need someone to take the picture?” Louis asks. The kid nods.

“Is this your boyfriend, fag?” The kid asks and then without much thought, Louis punches him.

Before Louis knows it, he's walking with Harry down the frozen aisle of a grocery store.

“We've gotta get you some peas. Keep ahead of the swelling.” Harry insists.

“I'm fine Haz.” Louis insists, Harry smiles at the sudden nickname. 

“Wiggle your fingers.” Harry says. Louis does so. “Do you play the piano?” Harry asks. Louis nods. “That's why we have to protect these.” Harry says, kissing Louis’ swollen knuckles.

They go to check out, after acquiring a bag of salt and vinegar chips. The cashier, a heavy black woman, takes a picture of Harry, with the flash on, as he is swiping his debit card. 

“Sorry. I had to.” The woman says.

“Oh it's alright.” Harry says with a little smile.

“It's not actually alright, and you didn't have to take the picture.” Louis says.

Harry smiles at the cashier. “Careful. He's on a punching streak tonight. You don't want to be next.” 

“How do you deal with that all the time?” Louis asks once they reach the grocery store parking lot.

“Deal with what?” Harry asks.

“People talking to you like you're not even human.” Louis clarifies.

“Just got used to it I guess. They mean well.” Harry says.

“But they treat you like you're not even human.” Louis repeats.

“I've had a lot of people, when they meet me, react by saying something along the lines of, 'holy shit, you're real.’ most as soon as they've had that realization are pretty cool as soon as they recognize that I'm just like them. And I suppose it just takes some longer than others to figure that out.” Harry says.

“So what are you like?” Louis says with a grin.

“This.” Harry says simply, with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Tell me about growing up in good ole Holmes.” Louis says with a wink.

“My mum raised me and my sister. She's the most incredible woman on the planet. I'll never be able to thank her enough for giving me the opportunities that led me to where I'm at.” Harry says.

“Are you straight, or no?” Louis asks suddenly.

“Not particularly.” Harry says confidently. It's something he's never been comfortable talking about, but with Louis it feels okay to say. Like it's just another part of him. “I've dated women. But when i look at them I feel like I'm lying to them by saying I'm attracted. And you can see it in their eyes, like they know.”

Louis takes in a deep breath, and starts to sing.

“You'll never know how much I miss you  
The day that they took you  
I wish it was me instead

“Did you write that?” Harry asks.

Louis nods.

“Can i tell you a secret? I think you're definitely meant to be a singer. A big one.” Harry says with a smile.

Louis giggles. Harry thinks it's the cutest thing ever.

“But don't worry. I won't tell anyone.” Harry says. “Although I must say im shit at keeping secrets.. Harry says.

Louis wraps his arm around him.

“If it's not too much to ask, what's your song about?” Harry asks 

“My mum. She passed away of cancer a few years back. She was my best friend.” Louis says, eyes watering.

“And you're calling her voicemail. Just to hear her?” Harry asks. Louis nods.

“I miss her so much sometimes. And i don't know why im telling you this.” Louis says with a sad, embarrassed laugh. 

“I bet she's so proud of you.” Harry says with a smile, before kissing Louis’ forehead. “I've got another show tomorrow night in Vegas. You should come with.” Harry suggests. Louis nods.

“Have you any siblings?” Harry asks.

“Tons.” Louis says with a smile. “I'm the oldest of seven.” 

“Seven?” Harry clarifies, eyes wide. Louis laughs.

The next evening, after a ride on what is undoubtedly the nicest plane Louis has ever seen, may as well belong to the president, they arrive at the MGM grand, in Las Vegas, Nevada.

“I've come up with a bit of a song for you.” Louis says shyly. Harry grins so wide it takes up his whole face.

“Let's hear what you've got.” Harry says proudly, putting his hand on Louis’ thigh.

Make a little conversation  
So long I've been waiting  
So let go of myself and feel alive  
So many nights I thought it over  
Told myself I kind of liked her  
But there was something missing in her eyes.”

Louis sings quietly as Harry nods his head.

“I came up with a little bit of a song a few weeks back, and I'd be willing to bet that would work for this one.

I was stumbling, looking in the dark  
With an empty heart  
But you say you feel the same  
Could we ever be enough?  
Baby we could be enough  
And it's alright  
Calling out for somebody to hold tonight  
When you're lost, I'll find the way  
I'll be your light  
You'll never feel like you're alone  
I'll make this feel like home”

Harry smiles before adding in his own bit, and picking up his guitar.

“So hot that I couldn't take it  
Want to wake up and see your face  
And remember how good it was being here last night  
Still high with a little feeling  
I see the smile as it starts to creep in  
It was there, I saw it in your eyes.”

“Sing it with me tonight?” Harry asks. Louis’ mouth drops open.

“In front of all those people?” Louis asks

“You just have to focus on me. Pretend no one else is there.” Harry says, voice deep, slow and convincing. 

“Harry if you sing it they'll all know you aren't straight” Louis says quietly.

“As if they haven't figured that out!” Harry says with a deep laugh. He plays with the fringe on the edges of his sleeves. “In ready to be me. The real me. And I want to do it with you.” Harry takes in a deep breath.

“I want you. And i don't know if you want me or not but I'm pretty sure you feel the same as I do.” Harry says.

“So what does this mean for us. What happens?” Louis asks. 

“Come on tour with me. Sing with me.” Harry says. “I'll make sure you never regret it.”

“Okay.” Louis says quietly.

Louis is standing on the side stage that night in Vegas, watching as Harry do what he loves. He's happy. He's making people happy.

Louis’ mom, Johannah, always had this philosophy that if there is something you can do to make someone else happy, or make their day better, than you should always do it. Because spreading that love around makes the world a better place. His mom was always convinced that his love would change the world.

She would adore Harry. 

Louis always thought that his mom knew he was gay even before he did. Louis was eight years old when he came out to her. His little sisters had been at their grandmothers house, and he and his mom had been spending the day together. They had just gone to the bank, and they were sitting in his mother's car, sucking on the suckers they give out at banks. He looked at his mom, and told her they probably needed to talk. He started telling her about a boy at school, can't even remember his name anymore. He explained to his mom that he loved him.

His mom smiled. Asked if he knew what it meant to be gay, he did, and she told him she would never stop loving him. Over the years, he didn't bring very many men home. He was pretty picky with who he chose to date. 

Louis would give anything to be able to bring Harry home to meet his mom. 

Harry walks over to the side stage during the guitarists solo, of Sign of The Times. On every other show, this is when he walks to side stage, and takes a drink of water. But tonight, he walks to side stage, and he hugs Louis. He brushes his hand down the side of his face, and mouths the words, I love you. 

Louis kisses him.

It's their first real kiss.

After the song is over, Harry walks back to Louis and holds out his hand, leading him onto the stage, towards the piano. He grabs the microphone.

“This is Louis Tomlinson, and we've got something special planned for you all tonight, Vegas.” Harry says, before kissing Louis’ forehead.

Harry starts playing the tune to the song he and Louis wrote together. Louis is on the piano bench sitting next to him, and looking at him longingly.

Harry has never felt more in love.

“I'll make this feel like home.”

After that, Louis goes with Harry on tour. He accompanies him across the united States. On the says Harry doesn't have a show scheduled, they sight see together. They hike up to the delicate arch in Utah. They see the California Redwoods, and Yellowstone. They step foot in the Mississippi River, one day when they notice it while driving on the tour bus. They walk down Bourbon Street in New Orleans. And then, they fly to Europe, to start that leg of the tour.

Paris lives up to its cultural expectations as being the city of love. Harry and Louis spend their off day their touring the Louvre. Louis sobs upon seeing the Mona Lisa. It's an incredible and overwhelming experience for him, seeing a painting face to face that has completely changed the world. And it's smaller than Louis anticipated, but it's beautiful nonetheless. It's life changing.

Life is going so good for Harry. He has someone who really genuinely loves him. His career is going good. Hes successful. His album is topping the charts. Someone absolutely loves him. And during the day life is so good. The night is even better as he sings to all these people. But once he goes into his bed at night it's like his whole life crumbles. Suddenly nothing looks good anymore. Suddenly he feels like everyone hates him. 

It's a Tuesday, when they are driving through Doncaster, Louis’ hometown, when Harry suggests they could go meet Louis’ family. Louis can't tell him no.

The tour bus pulls out in front of Louis’ family home. Louis watches as the blinds crack down in the front room. And as soon as he and Harry have stepped out of the car, Louis’ youngest siblings, Ernest and Doris, have opened the door and made a mad dash towards Louis.

“Lou! Lou! I've missed you!” Doris says excitedly, her bright red curls leaping as she bounces with joy.

“Oh i've missed you two!” Louis says, crouching down to their level so that he can hug the both of them. 

His oldest sister, Lottie, stands at the front door, holding it open with her hip. “Welcome home Lou.” She says with an ear to ear smile. Louis hugs her tightly. And she glances at Harry, a little suspiciously.

Harry holds out his hand to shake hers. “Im Harry. How are you?” He asks politely, still holding out his hand. She smiles, and hugs him tightly. Louis leads them all inside. His siblings are all huddled into the classic European living room, and his step father is at work.

There are photographs all over the walls, framed, of all the children throughout the years growing up. Harry smiles as he sees a picture of a very young Louis, no more than four years old, wearing exercise clothing, and stretching his legs outdoors.

Louis notices the photo Harry is fixated on. 

“We had a sports day in school, where all the lids competed in all these events. My mom, she was always super proud of me. And she wanted me to win the sports day competitions, so she literally trained me for about a month as if she was my sports coach. It's one of my fondest memories.” Louis says with a reminiscent smile.

“I bet she was incredible.” Harry says with a smile.

“She was.” Louis says as one of his younger sisters, Phoebe, comes down the stairs and stops dead in her tracks as soon as she sees Harry.

“Lou, why is Harry Styles in my front room?” Phoebe asks quietly. Harry smiles, and walks towards her.

“Hey Love. I'm Harry. I'm Lou's friend.” Harry says quietly, trying not to frighten her. 

“Boyfriend?” Phoebe asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” Louis says. 

“I like your new album.” Phoebe says.

“Thanks.” Harry says with a laugh. 

Within minutes of getting back to the tour bus, Louis gets a phone call. His eyes light up. And Harry can tell it's important, life changing. 

“That was Simon Cowell from SYCO records. He wants to offer me a record deal.” Louis says excited. Harry kisses him.

“I'm so damn proud of you babe. You're amazing.” Harry says. “Now the world has the chance to hear all the beautiful things you have to say.” 

Before he knows it, Louis is in London, meeting with Simon Cowell, talking about offering Louis a record deal. They look through Louis’ songbook, and Simon is absolutely impressed, to say the very least. He goes on and on, praising Louis, and telling him that he expects big big things from him. That he is capable of taking the world by storm. That he's going to make it big. 

He's saying all these things and Harry is sitting there, and he's so proud. Because now someone else is seeing the things Harry knew all along. Someone else is recognizing the things that Harry picked up on over the past few months that he has been able to spend with Louis. But at the same time, he has a bad feeling about all of it.

In September, on the 28th to be specific, Harry takes a pair of pliers to one of his favorite guitars, cuts the string and makes a ring for Louis. They consider themselves married after that point.

Over the next few months, Louis’ career has begun to flourish. Hes spending all his time in the studio, hes writing songs and working with different musicians on collaborations including Steve Aoki. The music he's working on isn't exactly his style. It has more of a dance vibe, but that's what Simon says is popular right now. And Louis wants to be successful. 

He starts out playing with Steve at clubs. Bright neon lights flashing. People dancing. The music is so loud you can feel the base in the air, and Louis questions if people can even hear him. He hopes they can. Because underneath the loud beats, and the computer generated sounds, the lyrics are still filled with meaning.

He wrote it as a sort of anthem for his mother, when she was battling against leukemia. In a way, he had been begging his mom to keep fighting. Begging her to stay alive. He wrote it at a point where he was in denial, of the fact that his mom was dying. 

What do you do when a chapter ends?  
Do you close the book and never read it again?  
Where do you go when your story's done?  
You can be who you were or who you'll become.

It's not over 'til it's all been said   
It's not over 'til your dying breath   
So what do you want them to say when you're gone?  
That you gave up or that you kept going on?

He sat there for months watching her die. Begging her not to. And if he could change anything, he would have cherished that time with her, and helped her more. 

He would do anything to have her back.

After working with Steve, he gets an offer to do a collaboration with Bebe Rexha. The collaboration comes at a bad time for Louis and Harry's relationship. Louis is spending all his time in studio, and Harry has fallen so deeply into depression that he won't even leave their home any more. He sleeps most of the day, barely eats, and does everything in his power to push away everyone who loves him.

That's what Harry has always done when he's upset. He turns everything going wrong and blames it on someone else. He convinces himself that everyone in the world hates him. That everyone is out to get him. He convinces himself that he is worthless. That he is an absolute piece of shit.

And when he gets like that, there's nothing Louis can do to make him think otherwise. It doesn't matter how much Louis loves him. It doesn't matter how often he tells him he loves him, or tells him how much he cares. It doesn't matter how much sleep Louis is losing, staying up until the early hours of each morning talking to him. It doesn't matter that Louis convinces him over and over again just how many people love him. It doesn't matter, that he tries to show Harry he matters to him. It doesn't matter how many god damned times he tells him that he is anything but a piece of shit.

Because at the end of the day, Harry is simply too sad to even see that Louis cares. 

Harry lights up a little, once they find a little kitten outside their home early one morning. They name him Felix, and he gives Harry something to look forward to. Something to take care of. Felix reassures Louis, that Harry won't be alone while Louis is out touring.

Come January, Louis goes on a promotional tour with Steve to promote their song to American radio stations. They do countless interviews, with radio stations and morning television hosts. And all the while, Harry sits alone in their home in Britain.

It's late one night, and Louis and Steve have just gotten back from performing their song at a club in New York with one of the best reputations. Louis climbs into his bed at the hotel they're staying at, and grabs his phone, to talk to Harry. They always talk at night before bed, especially when Louis is away. 

“Hey babe, how are you doing?” Louis asks once Harry has answered the phone. He can tell, simply by the way that Harry is breathing that something is off, again.

“ 'm alright.” Harry says quietly.

“Haz, what's going on?” Louis asks, concern growing a lot in his stomach.

“I don't know what's wrong.” Harry says slowly. “Everything I guess.”

“Haz. Talk to me baby.” Louis says, breath getting faster, chest aching. 

“I hate myself Louis.” Harry states simply.

“Harry I love you so so much.” Louis says, but Harry isn't listening. Louis knows that.

“I hate my life. And I don't want to live it anymore.” Harry says. With that, Louis’ stomach stops. He feels absolutely sick. 

“Harry. Baby you gotta listen to me.” Louis pleads.

“Don't call anyone. I want to be alone. Promise me you won't call anyone.” Harry begs, sobbing.

“In not promising you that. I can't promise that.” Louis says. “Harry, I'm calling your mum to come and check on you.”

After that, it's as if Harry absolutely hates Louis. He cuts him out, and stops talking to him because he's convinced Louis has gone behind his back by saying anything to his mum. Who, when she arrived at Louis and Harry's apartment that night, found Harry with a gun against his head. But that doesnt matter in Harry's eyes. It doesn't matter that Louis quite honestly saved his life because Harry has convinced himself that by talking to anyone, Louis has betrayed him. The things he tells Louis once his mom arrives, are enough to make Louis feel less than human. He's had quite the lot of experiences with men in the past, but this feels far worse. Because Louis knows that he hasn't done anything wrong.

Louis hates, more than anything that Harry places him in the position to choose between being loyal to Harry, abd saving his life. Because that is complete and total bullshit. It's not fair.

Most of all, Louis hates that he almost lost Harry. That if Harry had simply chosen not to answer Louis’ phone call, he would have shot himself.

They get Harry admitted to a facility. His mental health has absolutely plummeted. The facility is nice. It features a pool, and endless councilors around at all times. Louis hopes to god that this can make Harry better. Even though Harry absolutely hates him, he just wants Harry to be happy. He just wants him to be okay.

Meanwhile Louis starts working on the song with Bebe. He puts his feelings towards Harry in the track. And he hates himself for it because in a stupid way, he feels like he's just constantly dragging Harry down. Like no matter how hard he tries to build him up, he just takes him further and further down. Louis blames himself for Harry getting so bad that he needed to be institutionalized. He's convinced that if he had just been there for him, none of this would have happened. He should have never accepted Simon's offer. Louis feels like he's ruined everything.

And I guess you'll never know  
All the bullshit that you put me through  
And I guess you'll never know,  
Whoa, you stress me out, you kill me  
You drag me down, you fuck me up  
We're on the ground, we're screaming  
I don't know how to make it stop  
I love it, I hate it, and I can't take it  
But I keep on coming back to you

In March, after three months of being unable to communicate with Harry, Louis pills up to the beautiful countryside rehabilitation center. He's met by a nurse in the driveway, who leads him to Harry's room. 

Harry, looks so much better. He looks peaceful and content, as he sits at the piano in his room. Louis walks up to him as quickly as his little legs will carry him. Harry hugs him tightly. Keeping his head in the crook of Louis’ neck. 

“Oh my God I've missed you.” Harry says, weeping. “I love you.”

“I'm so sorry that I ever wanted to leave you. I could never leave you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Louis says sobbing.

“Are you… are you feeling better?” Louis asks gently. 

“Yes babe. Promise.” Harry says.

Harry is out for lunch with his mum, and Louis is at their home, meeting with Simon, about doing an american tour to support the album he is releasing come summer. And it feels different. Like Simon is pitying him.

“I want Harry to come on the tour with me.” Louis states simply. “The whole tour.”

“You know we can't do that. I've just barely gotten your success back to where it was before he tried offing himself. Hes simply not stable enough to go on tour. It will be horrible for your image.” Simon says matter of fact.

“I'm not leaving him.” Louis says.

“Then send him to another babysitter for a few months.” Simon says with a dick of a laugh.

“He's my husband.” Louis says shortly. “And if you can't find a way to get him on this entire tour than cancel it. I'm not going without him.”

“He is ruining your life, and you're just sitting back and watching him do it.” Simon says before walking out.

“He's my husband. And without him I wouldn't be with you here now.” Louis says through gritted teeth. “Cancel the tour. I'm not going.”

“Louis you have a contract, need I remind you?” Simon says controlling.

“Shove it up your ass.” Louis says before showing Simon to the door.

Later on that night, Louis and Harry are sat at the piano in their rustic living room. Louis is running his fingers along the keys, trying to write music that won't come out.

“Lou, what is it you're trying to write?” Harry asks.

“I want to finish that song i was writing for my mum when i met you. I've been so distracted writing all the things I think people want to hear that i've forgotten how to write what i actually want to say.” Louis says.

“I love you Louis. And you'll write this. You'll make get proud.” Harry says reassuringly.

“I think i have to write it you know? I never really grieved over my mum. I was so so busy trying to be strong fit everyone else, and as soon as I didn't think everyone needed that strength i packed up and moved. I never really dealt with it Harry.” Louis says.

“Have you gotten anything new?” Harry asks

“A little.” Louis says. 

“Don't give up.” Harry says, kissing Louis’ forehead, “You can do it day by day.” he grabs their cat and heads to bed, leaving Louis to write.

Harry wakes up the next morning, and cooks Louis breakfast. There are pancakes, and eggs, and strawberries. Louis smiles, at harry.

“What's the occasion?” Louis asks.

“Simon just called to say you are being offered an arena tour. Worldwide. And i wanted to congratulate you.” Harry says. Louis tries to act surprised. Act like he doesn't know about the tour. Act like he isn't mad at Simon for going behind his back. “He says he needs a meeting with you today. I've gotten clothes out for you.” 

They eat the breakfast in their bed, cuddling and kissing each other periodically between bites of strawberry. 

When Louis leaves, Harry moves at sits on the couch. Reflecting on everything Simon had said on the phone that morning. That Louis has drained Harry's career while building his own. That Harry was an absolute burden to Louis. That he would be better off without him. 

He told Harry that his suicide attempt had nearly destroyed Louis’ career. That the drama revolving Harry, was too much for Louis to handle. That Louis was tired if dealing with him. That Louis had used Harry to gain fame, and that at any minute Louis could leave and be so much better off.

The problem wasn't that Simon said all of these things. It was that Harry believed every single one of them.

Days later, and Harry is at the airport, kissing Louis’ cheek as he climbs onto the private jet that will take him back to Los Angeles to start the tour. Back to where they first met. Louis kisses him. He holds him tight. 

“I love you.” Louis says sweetly.

“I love you more.” Harry says with a smile. Louis turns his back and climbs on board. “Louis?” Harry calls.

“Yeah babe?” Louis says, peeking his head out the door. 

“Just wanted to see your beautiful face again.” Harry says with a sad smile.

Eight hours later, the flight lands. Louis checks his phone, ready to call Harry, as he always does when his flights land, but instead he is met with a barrage of text messages. His stomach stops and within moments he is throwing up and sobbing and he just doesn't know what to do. He's screaming and his heart hurts and he's shaking. The pilot flies them back to London.

Harry is gone. 

Forever.

Harry, he used to say that music, it's all about twelve notes. Twenty six letters of the alphabet. And it's all about how you string those notes with those letters. That's music. And he loved how Louis used those notes.

Two months after Harry's suicide, abd Louis is stood on the first stage he ever sang on with Harry in Las Vegas. There are thousands of people dressed in fine attire in the crowd.

“Hello. My name is Louis Tomlinson-Styles. I want to thank you all, for coming out to honor my sweet husband tonight. When i met Harry, I was still grieving the loss of my mum. I didn't know how to grieve for her. Harry showed me how. He gave me these opportunities, to be able to tell the world the things I needed to say. 

When i started writing this song, i was writing it for my mum. But, in these past two months, i've finished the song. And it's for him too now.

God i would give anything to have him back.” Louis says, before walking to the piano.

It's been a minute since I called you  
Just to hear the answerphone  
Yeah, I know that you won't get this  
But I'll leave a message so I'm not alone  
This morning I woke up still dreaming  
With memories playing through my head  
You'll never know how much I miss you  
The day that they took you, I wish it was me instead

But you once told me, "Don't give up  
You can do it day by day"  
And diamonds, they don't turn to dust or fade away

So I will keep you, day and night, here until the day I die  
I'll be living one life for the two of us  
I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me  
I'll be living one life for the two of us  
Even when I'm on my own, I know I won't be alone  
Tattooed on my heart are the words of your favourite song  
I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud  
I'll be living one life for the two of us

I could feel your blood run through me  
You're written in my DNA  
Looking back in every mirror  
I know you'll be waiting, I'll see you again

But you once told me, "Don't give up  
You can do it day by day"  
And diamonds, they don't turn to dust or fade away

So I will keep you, day and night, here until the day I die  
I'll be living one life for the two of us  
I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me  
I'll be living one life for the two of us  
Even when I'm on my own, I know I won't be alone  
Tattooed on my heart are the words of your favourite song  
I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud  
I'll be living one life for the two of us

I promised you I'd do this  
So all of this is all for you  
Oh, I swear to God you're living  
Through everything I'll ever do

So I will keep you, day and night, here until the day I die  
I'll be living one life for the two of us  
I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me  
I'll be living one life for the two of us  
Even when I'm on my own, I know I won't be alone  
Tattooed on my heart are the words of your favourite song  
I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud  
I'll be living one life for the two of us

One life for the two of us  
I'll be living one life for the two of us

We'll end just like we started  
Just you and me and no one else  
I will hold you where my heart is  
One life for the two of us

**Author's Note:**

> yeah I'll see myself out.


End file.
